Dewde.com

Before I had children I read a book by my pastor, Andy Stanley. In one chapter he challenged me to think about the goals I had for myself and my family. So I reflected on them momentarily before continuing about the usual enterprise of life.

Then we had our first daughter.

Fathering children has a way of changing a man. I quickly realized that lofty musings and wishful thinking were no way to lead my family. So I went back and re-read the chapter in that book. I took it to heart when Andy challenged me write out my goals for my family. They say if you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time. I didn’t want to hit this target. So I opened Google Docs and I began drafting, in the words of http://dictionary.com, a system of fundamental principles according to which a nation, state, corporation, or the like, is governed. Substitute “or the like” with “my family.”

I began drafting a Family Constitution.

It became clear, in short order, that one document would not suffice. Maybe it’s the patriot in me, that my parents raised, but our Family Constitution felt remiss without an accompanying Bill of Rights. So I drafted one of those also, for the children.

After I had worked on it for a while I knew I needed external review. Actually, my new Family Constitution required it! I have a group of close friends and family that I consider my personal advisory board. I mean that literally. I have a group in my address book titled “Personal Advisory Board.” When my drafts were complete, I sent my board the following email.

Now that our family is growing, the time felt right to go ahead and write down some of our goals. Please feel free to question any of them. The wording, the importance, etc. Maybe they overlap, or maybe some need to be divided. Chew on it. Take your time. I guess the main thing I would like your advice on, is if I am missing any huge areas, principles, categories, or topics.

These two documents represent values that [Dewdette] and [Dewde] intend to prioritize as we raise our children and live our lives here on this earth. I’m sure it will be a growing and changing document. It will grow while we grow, as God teaches us lessons throughout our lives. I hope it stays very simple and concise as opposed to wordy or redundant.

That was 2 and a half years ago. Now it’s time to dust this puppy off. Reevaluate. Revise. and Refine.

The Family Constitution

Integrity

• To hold honesty as the foundation of our ethics.
• To always choose the harder right, as God defines right, over the easier wrong.
• To be sincere and genuine in our endeavors.

Charity

• To enrich the lives of others with our time and assets.
• To always rebuke with hesitancy and gentleness.
• To keep a sense of humor.

Wisdom

• To obtain counsel of reputable peers.
• To listen twice as much as you speak.
• To fellowship with God through prayer and study.

And also.

The Children’s Bill of Rights

• To be safe and nourished.
• To be given love, rooted in patience and tenderness, not contingent on decisions or actions.
• To be taught by example hand-in-hand with instruction.
• To be given unconditional respect, not contingent on decisions or actions.
• To be guided in the skills necessary to navigate life with peace and contentment.
• To be forgiven of all trespasses.
• To be disciplined with predictability and consistency.

I post them here for two reasons. First, I seek constructive feedback. Especially if you are of an alternate world view. Christians have a history of being terribly myopic. Actually, I have a history of being terribly myopic. And not just in the 5 years since my conversion, but my 10 Atheist years before that.

Second, I hope to inspire you in the same manner that I was inspired. Please consider, if you haven’t already, articulating your goals in written form, as you lead your family. I can name dozens and dozens of changes Dewdette and I made to our lifestyle as a direct consequence of the conversations we had while I drafted these documents.

This is time well spent.

This is something I wrote a year ago, shortly after Savannah was born. I didn’t really have a blog then so I am reposting it here.

August 10th, 2007

I am now a father. Again. Our newborn daughter is 3 weeks old today.

My wife and I were driving the other day and she made the comment, “Our new little girl is an uncarved block.” Apparently that is one of the concepts from Taoism that she remembered from studying The Tao of Pooh. We start out like an uncarved block of some sort and we are shaped and formed through our upbrining, our environments, and our life experiences into the people we are today.

I think this is true.

Does she know what love is? Does she know hatred? Compassion or mercy? Envy, jealousy, or anger? I don’t mean does she understand the concepts on an intellectual level, that would be silly. But does she feel any of these things?

I don’t think so.

I think at this stage of her life she really only feels generic, high-level emotions and feelings. Like comfort and discomfort. Or satisfaction and dissatisfaction. She is really rather selfish this way. All newborns are, it’s a matter of survival for them.

So it’s up to us. My wife and I, I mean. To model for her the advanced concepts surrounding how to deal with complex feelings such as love and hate and mercy and justice. This is our responsibility that we welcomed and looked forward to before we even decided to have her. This is not our burden, this is our joy.

But as I reflected on all this it occurred to me that I too was once an uncarved block. And the decisions I have made throughout my life have contributed to my current shape and form. It is not just our environments, our upbringing, and our experiences that shave layers off our block, we too have a hand in the sculpting process. We have influence and on a spiritual level, I believe we are accountable for it.

How I wish I could uncarve certain areas of my character. Or better yet, if only I could re-carve them. I could go around as Dewde – The Re-carved Block. Need a little less selfishness? No problem! How about some extra forgiveness towards others? That would be splendid. Let us not forget humility and benevolence. Never more in short supply!

My wife and I are very deliberate in our parenting. We know we are not the only sculptors that will be chiseling away at our daughters as they move from uncarved blocks to beautiful works of art. We hope and pray that Jesus will play a pivotal role. We hope and pray that their friends and family will do them justice. And we hope, with all our hearts, that they themselves will pick up their chisels and desire to work on themselves as a lifelong process.

All we can do is point them in the right direction and model it for them ourselves.

Note: I realize I have completely butchered Taoism and the principle of the Uncarved Block. My only excuse is that I’m a Christian, not a Taoist. I mean no offense.