The following letter is a reply to a series of posts that begins here. It is from a convicted and confessed sex offender who is presently in prison for his crimes.
Chris,
Thanks for finally writing
! You never did tell me writing letters “is just not your thing.” Well I’m glad you took the courage to write this one. I have re-read it twice and I’m almost certain that won’t be enough.
I honor you. My judgement is most people don’t have the guts to be honest. I judge they skirt around the truth, or just avoid it with superficial letters. I’m glad you chose the other route.
It’s tuesday night around 10. I’m laying up in my bunk listening to the radio and the Cavaliers game. On clear nights I can pick up a Cleveland station on AM. It’s nice to hear familiar voices from home.
I’m not really sure how I’m going to get my point across.
I’ve shared with you that my arrest was the best thing that could have happened. I don’t change that belief. I ask that you judge me as a man, not as a sex offender. That doesn’t define me. It’s something I did. And believe me, I am not trying to minimize that. It’s horrible and something I can’t imagine doing again. Fortunately I don’t have direct victims,but that doesn’t mean I don’t consider the indirect victims. I have great remorse and struggle with being forgiven. And being forgiven may not be the correct phrase, because I believe saying I’m sorry is too easy. I believe ‘I’m sorry’ is too easy to say and get away with. I’m guilty of it. For me, it’s just a scape goat. “I’m sorry that you were a victim of my crime.” Sounds kind of blah, and not connected to me. “When I chose pictures of you being abused I was wrong. I can only imagine the pain you suffer and if I hadn’t sought out your picture, maybe you wouldn’t have to suffer any longer.” That’s what I mean.
Chris, I continue to put it all out there, here. I’m trying to change peoples perceptions, one at a time. I respect everyone’s opinions. Ya, I don’t like the negative ones, but I still respect them and I don’t let them define me. My ex-wife didn’t like the fact that I was so open. I respect that. The last letter she wrote me, when she ceased communication, she called me a monster. Unfortunately I am respecting her wishes not to communicate, but I’d love to share with you why I’m just the opposite.
The lights are off now so it’s kinda hard to see.
I don’t know what life has in store for me. I know I want to make a difference. What that’ll be I’m not sure. Right now I’m making a difference in me. It all starts there.
Sure sucks writing in the dark. My neighbor is reading so I get a little light pollution from him.
There’s about 1100 guys here. Rumor is 600 or so are sex offenders. I’d say 25% of those are doing something about their issues. I struggle too. There’s guys here that have done horrendous things. Some continue their behavior here. I’m pissed and disgusted, using your words. If we ever have that cup of coffee I can tell you.
I spent 2 weekends ago with 12 of my peers and 14 volunteers doing 3 days of work on me. I was in a group of 3 other men with their volunteers. I was able to shine some light on some areas in my life. It was awesome. As par for the course, I was 100% open with these men. Men who told me they were disgusted with what I’d done, but I also proved to them that it doesn’t define who I am. There’s a naming process at the end that the volunteer that was with me gives me. He names me Wild Stallion. He described me as majestic, powerful, and free. A gentle warrior and a masculine, mature male. I own all that. I’m a man among men who believes he can change the world one man at a time. How’s that for a mission statement? I don’t have any tattoos, but if I did, I’d have one that said, “Only God can judge me.”
Chris, I respect you for your thoughts. You may never get past the fears, and I’m not asking you to. I thank you for telling me your truths. I want to continue to be your friend, on whatever level is comfortable with you.
I’m glad your wife supports you on sending me books. I’m looking forward to the one from Francis Chan you talked about. All your books get read. My friend David has the Deadly Viper. I really liked that one. There’s nothing that I really need to read. I’m reading Ludlum right now. We have a decent library and there’s always magazines about. I really enjoy the food magazines, I get 3 of them now.
When you find some time share with me any responses you got on your blog.
Thanks for your truths and honesty.
Your friend,
Billy
I’m inviting you to speak to Billy. I will be sending the entire series with comments to him. I’ll wait a week or so. Respond as if he doesn’t exist and will never read your words, respond directly to him, respond to me, or ignore this post entirely.
It’s up to you.
Chris,
When I first saw your blog title I thought, "Wow! Me,too." I was once arrested. You have only known me since I was that person long ago. Back then, I had stolen from my employers, stolen from a friend once and was stealing in stores constantly. I had been caught as a child and had to go to some counseling for it. They stated I did it for attention. To be honest, I still struggle with the urge and don't think I do it for attention. I don't need the items. I'm not poor. Who knows? I haven't stolen since being arrested.
The point is, I too have a record and fight demons. Mine aren't physically and/or psychologically damaging to anyone other than myself. I made a decision to leave that person behind and start fresh. I do believe it can be done.
To change you need to be completely honest and open with people around you. If you acknowledge the demon it has less of a chance to hide and wait. You also need accountability. Have those around you check up and keep you walking straight. I bought myself a necklace that is a kind of "chip" for myself. It reminds me how many days I have gone through without taking from others.
The Miki you know and love was once a criminal. I acknowledge my weakness and forgive myself for having one. I pray this man finds that forgiveness in himself. I pray he can continue to be strong in prison and once out. Even with an arrest record, it is very difficult to admit guilt. I commend this man for continuing to do so. It gets easier.
You know I think of your girls as my own. I don't think I could put them in that situation, but I wouldn't hesitate coffee with a criminal. The darkness we are aware of is easy to stay away from. It's the darkness you will never see that is scary.
Not sure I trust Billy. I think he believes he can beat his demons. I lack that faith.
He may be a great guy, but I don't want him around my daughter.
Perhaps I'm an ass for feeling this way.
I hope he wins his fight, it's a tough one. Maybe one day he or someone like him can change my mind. And hopefully I won't regret it if they do.
I think that's a natural way to think about him…. hope for the best, but keep your kids away. I vote that you're not an ass for feeling that way. It's a practical approach, IMO.
I guess the best way to insure that you feel safer when he's released is to support actual rehabilitation while he's in prison. I'm not sure how effective those kinds of programs really are, since they seem like great ways for inmates to game the system to qualify for earlier releases.
Farmer, it's a little disconcerting when we agree so often. Which one of us changed, you or me?
Yeah, trust me, I'm just as confused as you are!
I think it's just Dewde's choice of topics. Interesting, but not as overtly controversial as some of his past posts. I'm still rabidly anti-religion in general, but other than that I generally subscribe to fiscally conservative politics and lean toward libertarian ideas. I liked Ron Paul, but most of the other republican options in 2008 seemed pretty poor to me. I'm not a huge Obama fan, other than that I was pretty excited to see a genuinely smart guy elected to office. Many of his choices so far, however, have left me a little disappointed.
uh…i'm going to have to go back and re-read this …