Comments on: Extreme Parenting: Vandalism Edition

By: Wendy

Wendy — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 07:06:27 +0000

We have something similar in our house, but its not about yelling. I have a bad habit of saying the word stupid. As in, I stubbed my toe on the stupid door. We have tried to get Kat to not call anyone stupid, so when mommy says it, she whispers to daddy that I said a bad word, and due to her poor whispering, I overhear and apologize for losing my temper. Kinda the same thing. But I don't give treats for stuff like that. Sincere apology is supposed to be stand-alone.

By: Joey

Joey — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 13:59:52 +0000

#3
I think it is okay to let your kids speak up and express themselves. However I don’t think I need to give them something special afterward. I think it is important for them to see you apologize for a mistake….
Why do they need something special just because they got hurt? What if you don’t maintain that each time?
We tell our girls we love them and Daddy or Mommy made a mistake.

That being said I really like what she is doing. As hard as it is, none yelling approach works and seems to actually save you time. Yelling always seems to make the situation last longer.
I give myself a C+ to B- depending on the day.

By: Chris F.

Chris F. — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 22:19:04 +0000

I dunno. I think "respecting authority" in your example might be synonymous with "avoiding punishment." When your kid's strategy in a given situation can be reduced to avoiding negative consequences, then you're unlikely to achieve the behavior that you really want.

By: dewde

dewde — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:51:29 +0000

I guess I'm a little bit old school. I want my girls to respect authority. Not necessarily agree with authority or obey authority brainlessly… but have a respect for it none-the-less.

Christine's advice about all parties following the no yelling rule sets the "No Yelling Principle" as the authority.

peace|dewde

By: dewde

dewde — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:48:47 +0000

"it would cut into my incessant trolling of *this* blog!"

Wouldn't /that/ be a shame.

"It'd be interesting to see more posts about her "conventional" children and how they're coping with this and what actions she's taking to make sure things work out for the best."

I agree.

peace|dewde

By: Chris F.

Chris F. — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:33:16 +0000

IMO, you can't sustain a healthy, power-based relationship with your kids, so I think I'm on board with her there.

By: Chris F.

Chris F. — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:31:43 +0000

I don't doubt that it *could* be a very positive thing in the end, but I think I'd disagree with your "just as easily" claim! Unless she's totally embellishing her experiences, their family is on a crazy ride.

It'd be interesting to see more posts about her "conventional" children and how they're coping with this and what actions she's taking to make sure things work out for the best. I should read more of her blog, I guess, but then it would cut into my incessant trolling of *this* blog!

By: dewde

dewde — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 20:15:37 +0000

Does anyone else take issue with #3 and #4? I figured I would see more controversy around those.

In the first place, it makes sense. It passes the "Do as I do" anti-hypocrisy sniff test. But on the other hand, is it giving too much power over to your kids?

peace|dewde

By: dewde

dewde — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 20:13:05 +0000

Thx Anne.

By: dewde

dewde — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 20:12:22 +0000

I have wondered this myself. On the one hand I admire her and her husband's courage, on the other hand I worry for her existing family.

However, so far from what I have read, they have the right attitude and approach to handle this correctly. It takes special people to pull this off, no doubt. Totally not for everyone.

Plus this could just as easily have a positive effect on their kids. Especially if they grow into people like their parents, and they do so with eyes wide open.

People like this can do a lot of good in the world.

peace|dewde

By: Meghan

Meghan — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 19:27:29 +0000

Ouch.

This one hurts a bit. I am very prone to yelling. Even at myself. I give myself a big ol’ fat F.

By: AnneB

AnneB — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 01:55:33 +0000

Oh, and I give myself a C while still working on it.

By: AnneB

AnneB — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 01:54:01 +0000

Whoa. Hey, Dewde – I met you this morning at the focus group for Starting Point, and I'm overwhelmed by this post and by crazy Christine – what a mom! Thanks for sharing this with me. Love the Burger King Exorcism, too. Your daughters are going to be incredibly glad to have this someday.

By: Chris F.

Chris F. — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 23:05:10 +0000

It's amazing to see someone with what's clearly a lot of patience. (I have to admit I didn't read anything other than the linked post on Christine's blog, so this may be obvious to her usual readers…) I have to question how her choice to devote so much energy to Mar's positive development has affected the rest of her family. Surely it is possible that this could cause irreparable harm to the relationships in the rest of the family, even though it seems she's managing by virtue of what might be sheer will. How do you convince yourself and your family that it's worth the risk you're taking? And if you're set on adopting a child in need, why not choose one that's less of an obvious risk? Perhaps this sounds selfish, but I think opening your heart and your home to any adopted child is certainly not selfish, so what do you really gain by taking the more difficult path that's also fraught with long-term risk?

By: Wendy

Wendy — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 01:49:54 +0000

Can I request a post where you teach me how not to sound annoyed? In all seriousness, I am more patient with other children than I am with my own. My annoyed voice is almost immediate some days, 0 to Done in 2 seconds.

By: Christine

Christine — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 16:31:03 +0000

Yelling sucks, but it's a cake walk compared to NOT yelling.

But it's possible.

Very, very slowly … but possible.