Extreme Parenting: Vandalism Edition
Posted on 13. Jun, 2009 by dewde in Parenting
Sometimes advice stands on its own. You read it. You poke it. You lift its flaps and test its zippers. You give it an apprehensive sniff. You compare it to your experiences, and then move on. Maybe you add it to your mental bag of tricks, maybe you don’t.
Other times, you hear advice and your immediate reaction is to question the credibility of the adviser giver.
I read some advice recently on how to stop yelling at my children, and it was exactly because of the source, the advice giver, that I paused and soaked it in slowly. You see, this trick of not yelling is one I have not mastered. And I so desperately want to master it.
Her name is Christine and her blog is Welcome to My Brain. She is a pastor’s wife. Her family has been fostering, and then adopting, a girl over the past year-ish. Her name is Mar and I think she’s around 11 years old.
Mar cannot yet believe things are not going to change once the adoption is final. Her last adoptive mom was super sweet and sappy during the adoption process while they waited in Haiti. The abuse started as soon as she became theirs “officially” – literally on her first day home. I can understand her fear. She wants to do whatever it takes to stop the adoption, wondering if we’re just “acting nice” to make her “all ours” … and then we may change. She has witnessed a woman being completely two-faced: one thing at home and another thing in front of school employees, church friends, and caseworkers.
Understandably, due to her time as an orphan and also her prior adoption, Mar has developed a condition called Reactive Attachment Disorder. The wikipedia entry on RAD says, “children with RAD are presumed to have grossly disturbed internal working models of relationships which may lead to interpersonal and behavioral difficulties in later life.”
Two months ago, as the adoption date was looming ever nearer, Mar’s behavior (read: misbehavior) escalated. And who could blame her? Right around this time Christine wrote a post titled: I’ll Just Out-crazy Your Crazy!
When your child has hit you, bit you, had to be restrained, was asked to stay outside then crawled back in a window, locked themselves in the bathroom, thrown something through one of the windows, ripped up some of your garden, etc., etc. … what is a RAD Mom to do?
…
You come home to the child who hit you, bit you, had to be restrained, was asked to stay outside then crawled back in a window, locked themselves in the bathroom, thrown something through one of the windows, ripped up some of your garden, etc., etc.. You enter their room with a can of spray paint and a bag of candy. You step over the posters and notes you’ve made for them over the past year (now lying all over the floor torn to shreds), and you just spray paint your love notes directly on the walls.
…
You out-shine their darkness. You out-love their fear and anger. You out-crazy their crazy.
Right about now you’re really jonesin’ hard to read the original post and gawk at her pictures. Fine. Click here.
So you see, when a woman like this writes a post titled How I Stopped Yelling At My Kids, I stop and pay attention. Then I come here and blog about it, not only because I want to share her wisdom with you, but because the only way for me to own up to my responsibilities as a Dad is to saturate my life with good advice. My brain is dark, and advice like this is white. I have to force myself to think about this stuff over and over, so that it soaks into my thoughts like multiple coats of white paint on a dark wall.
Here is how Christine recommends that I stop yelling at my kids.
STEP 1: Believe yelling is not okay. When you are screaming at someone, you are not thinking clearly, you have abandoned love and kindness, and … well … it’s wrong. It’s just plain wrong. Yelling hurts. It never helps. Ya’ know … cause it’s WRONG!
STEP 2: Acknowledge your children learn through what you do, more than what you say. “STOP YELLING AT YOUR BROTHER!!!” Um, yeah.
STEP 3: If it’s good enough for your kids, it’s good enough for you. Give your kids permission to say, “Mom, can you please change your voice?” Also, in our house we do something extra for the person we have hurt. So, if I yelled at my kids, I owed them an extra treat or some extra reading time or they could stay up a little later, etc. I received consequences for yelling.
STEP 4: Do not yell at your child the first time they rationally and calmly say, “Mom, can you please change your voice?” You’ll want to, but it’s better to put yourself in a time out … in your room … while you scream into a pillow.
STEP 5: Yell less and less and less until you are no longer a yeller.
I want you to take 2 things away from this and the first thing is perspective. Chances are, you don’t have it nearly as bad with your kids as you pretend. If you’re being honest, your yelling is probably a significant part of the problem.
The second thing is a challenge. In the comments below fill out your own report card based on each of these steps. Give yourself an A for excellent and an F for failing. I’ll jump in down there too. And if you disagree with any… by all means say so!
P.S. Christine, your courage and patience dwarfs mine. Thank you for inviting us on the journey.
Christine
Jun 13th, 2009
Yelling sucks, but it's a cake walk compared to NOT yelling.
But it's possible.
Very, very slowly … but possible.
Wendy
Jun 14th, 2009
Can I request a post where you teach me how not to sound annoyed? In all seriousness, I am more patient with other children than I am with my own. My annoyed voice is almost immediate some days, 0 to Done in 2 seconds.
Chris F.
Jun 14th, 2009
It's amazing to see someone with what's clearly a lot of patience. (I have to admit I didn't read anything other than the linked post on Christine's blog, so this may be obvious to her usual readers…) I have to question how her choice to devote so much energy to Mar's positive development has affected the rest of her family. Surely it is possible that this could cause irreparable harm to the relationships in the rest of the family, even though it seems she's managing by virtue of what might be sheer will. How do you convince yourself and your family that it's worth the risk you're taking? And if you're set on adopting a child in need, why not choose one that's less of an obvious risk? Perhaps this sounds selfish, but I think opening your heart and your home to any adopted child is certainly not selfish, so what do you really gain by taking the more difficult path that's also fraught with long-term risk?
dewde
Jun 15th, 2009
I have wondered this myself. On the one hand I admire her and her husband's courage, on the other hand I worry for her existing family.
However, so far from what I have read, they have the right attitude and approach to handle this correctly. It takes special people to pull this off, no doubt. Totally not for everyone.
Plus this could just as easily have a positive effect on their kids. Especially if they grow into people like their parents, and they do so with eyes wide open.
People like this can do a lot of good in the world.
peace|dewde
Chris F.
Jun 15th, 2009
I don't doubt that it *could* be a very positive thing in the end, but I think I'd disagree with your "just as easily" claim! Unless she's totally embellishing her experiences, their family is on a crazy ride.
It'd be interesting to see more posts about her "conventional" children and how they're coping with this and what actions she's taking to make sure things work out for the best. I should read more of her blog, I guess, but then it would cut into my incessant trolling of *this* blog!
dewde
Jun 15th, 2009
"it would cut into my incessant trolling of *this* blog!"
Wouldn't /that/ be a shame.
"It'd be interesting to see more posts about her "conventional" children and how they're coping with this and what actions she's taking to make sure things work out for the best."
I agree.
peace|dewde
AnneB
Jun 15th, 2009
Whoa. Hey, Dewde – I met you this morning at the focus group for Starting Point, and I'm overwhelmed by this post and by crazy Christine – what a mom! Thanks for sharing this with me. Love the Burger King Exorcism, too. Your daughters are going to be incredibly glad to have this someday.
dewde
Jun 15th, 2009
Thx Anne.
AnneB
Jun 15th, 2009
Oh, and I give myself a C while still working on it.
Meghan
Jun 15th, 2009
Ouch.
This one hurts a bit. I am very prone to yelling. Even at myself. I give myself a big ol’ fat F.
dewde
Jun 15th, 2009
Does anyone else take issue with #3 and #4? I figured I would see more controversy around those.
In the first place, it makes sense. It passes the "Do as I do" anti-hypocrisy sniff test. But on the other hand, is it giving too much power over to your kids?
peace|dewde
Joey
Jun 16th, 2009
#3
I think it is okay to let your kids speak up and express themselves. However I don’t think I need to give them something special afterward. I think it is important for them to see you apologize for a mistake….
Why do they need something special just because they got hurt? What if you don’t maintain that each time?
We tell our girls we love them and Daddy or Mommy made a mistake.
That being said I really like what she is doing. As hard as it is, none yelling approach works and seems to actually save you time. Yelling always seems to make the situation last longer.
I give myself a C+ to B- depending on the day.
Chris F.
Jun 15th, 2009
IMO, you can't sustain a healthy, power-based relationship with your kids, so I think I'm on board with her there.
dewde
Jun 15th, 2009
I guess I'm a little bit old school. I want my girls to respect authority. Not necessarily agree with authority or obey authority brainlessly… but have a respect for it none-the-less.
Christine's advice about all parties following the no yelling rule sets the "No Yelling Principle" as the authority.
peace|dewde
Chris F.
Jun 15th, 2009
I dunno. I think "respecting authority" in your example might be synonymous with "avoiding punishment." When your kid's strategy in a given situation can be reduced to avoiding negative consequences, then you're unlikely to achieve the behavior that you really want.
Wendy
Jun 23rd, 2009
We have something similar in our house, but its not about yelling. I have a bad habit of saying the word stupid. As in, I stubbed my toe on the stupid door. We have tried to get Kat to not call anyone stupid, so when mommy says it, she whispers to daddy that I said a bad word, and due to her poor whispering, I overhear and apologize for losing my temper. Kinda the same thing. But I don't give treats for stuff like that. Sincere apology is supposed to be stand-alone.