I was thinking about our daughters tonight. Danielle from the blog 6yearmed, which I eagerly follow, told another touching and poignant story about young twin sisters, one of which is dying. She changes the names when she tells her stories and the names she chose caught me off guard and made me think about my daughters. More specifically, it reminded me of the belief my wife and I hold that children these days are too often labeled by the adults in their lives. You might have noticed it, too.
If you weren’t so lazy you’d be done by now.
How could you get poor marks on that exam, are you stupid?
You’re doing this to me because you hate me.
At the end of the song The Unforgiven by Metallica, the narrator says, “You labeled me. I label you. And I dub thee Unforgiven.” And this is exactly how it happens. We as parents label our children. The way we form our words. The frequency with which we use certain phrases. The ratio of praise and encouragement over scorn and disappointment. Sometimes, with no words at all even, we can say to them…
You’re a failure.
You’re a disappointment.
You’re not good enough for me.
But it doesn’t stop with our children. Like the song says, if you label someone, especially a child on a long enough timeline, you train them to label others and to label you right back.
It is for this reason Dewdette and I took care in selecting names, middle names actually, for our daughters. We searched for nouns that are also character traits. Before our girls could even understand a word or a facial expression from us, we decided to choose names for them to help set a foundation. Before they ever had the opportunity to disappoint us, we wanted them to know what we inherently believed about them. Like Babe Ruth stepping up to the plate and pointing out to left field so that God and everyone will be certain about where he intends to send the next strike that crosses the plate, we too have pointed our fingers out into the distance towards the words Grace and Faith.
But it doesn’t stop there. We exercise our use of labels constantly. And the terrific part is, they’re all true! It’s not like we’re lying. Dewdette and I are really expressing how we see our daughters. The point, the hard bit, is to make the time to actually do it. To get the ratios right. To jog back the frequency on some phrases. To jog up the frequency on others.
Look how lovely you are today.
Good morning, Beautiful!
That’s using your noodle! You’re such a smart girl.
Did you notice how thoughtful she is all the time?
You are such a good helper!
Today would be an excellent day to make a list of labels that you would like to pin on the subconscious mind of your children. Write down 3-5 character traits you want them to grow up knowing about themselves and extending to their fellow man. The above phrases are the actual ones we use in our household. If you don’t want to take the time to make your own list, you can borrow ours.
When we label our children we do two things. First, we convince them that what say about them is true about them. Second, we teach them to label others in the same manner.
So I ask you, what labels have you been giving your children?
I'm not sure I'm entirely on board with this claim, but the Positive Discipline idea suggests that you should never express to your kid an opinion of them. Instead, you should praise their actions. So, instead of "you're smart," you might say "you work really hard in school." I often think it's a load of bunk and that there are many nuances to language that can enhance or detract from the words you use, so simply changing the way you say things isn't really a silver bullet. But I do think that it's worthwhile thinking about parenting this way. Quite a bit of research shows that students who are praised for their work ethic tend to outperform those who are praised merely for being smart. They do better when things get hard, as they of course inevitably do.
I'm not sure I'm entirely on board with this claim, but the Positive Discipline idea suggests that you should never express to your kid an opinion of them. Instead, you should praise their actions. So, instead of "you're smart," you might say "you work really hard in school." I often think it's a load of bunk and that there are many nuances to language that can enhance or detract from the words you use, so simply changing the way you phrase things isn't really a silver bullet. But I do think that it's worthwhile thinking about parenting this way. Quite a bit of research shows that students who are praised for their work ethic tend to outperform those who are praised merely for being smart. They do better when things get hard, as they of course inevitably do.
Excellent points! Pretty sure I've been overlooking praising her work ethic over her intelligence or smarts.
Totally going to add that to our list.
Agree
I fully agree. I've seen the studies and I've seen it in practice. My oldest daughter was always told "you are so smart" as she started out in school. Now a few years later, she's struggling to stick with things that don't just come to her. My middle daughter was praised more for "working really hard" and she handles some struggles much better.
We work on a balance of praise for who they are and for what they do. We try to avoid the fake/feel good praise. And we do not avoid delivering appropriate consequences when the situation warrants. We are not perfect and I am trying to figure out how to interact/relate with my oldest daughter better without damaging her already fragile self image.
Dewde, thanks for such thoughtful, intentional posts. You are definitely helping people think about being better parents.
Peace
Awesome thoughts and actions. I don't have children yet, but it makes me wonder if my parents every truly thought about my name. I know I was named after both my father, and Granfather, but for what significance and what did they expect out of me.
i call her "bear". hmm.
My mother is the world's best at this, and my sister and I are too prime examples of how it is arbitrary where it works. That doesn't mean I don't try it, I just am not going to blame myself if my children turn out with low self-esteem. At least this gives them a fighting chance. However, it DOES irritate the begeezus out of me when Katharine hits her sister and my mom tells her to "please don't do that sweet angel". Sweet Angel my rear-end…
I have been thinking about words and in a sense "labels' a ton lately. I just wrote about it yesterday. http://www.transparentchristianmagazine.com/2009/…
We are careful at home with our 11 year old daughter and our 8 year old son. It can be challenging because their behaviors and personalities are SO different, however we have made a strong effort to build UP, and not tear down. I have noticed when words or "labels" are misused or abused or sometimes, misunderstood my kids will buckle. I want to raise a warrior and a queen, not a shrinking violet. Good reminder!
Great post!
peace|dewde
I'm really on board with you on this one Dewde, and with CF above as well. Its so important that in a world that tells people they are beautiful IF they wear these clothes or that makeup, or smart if they pick this product that there are voices telling them they are beautiful and smart WITHOUT those products. It is also so important to reinforce great behaviors, recognizing effort, perseverance, and kindness for example.
On a related note, one of the things that really bug me is when folks start creating verbal caricatures for my (or other) kids: "Oh, she's the clumsy one" or "Yeah, she's the artist". Recognizing talents: good. Pigeon-holing a 7 year old: bad.
Amen. Though not yet parents my wife and I speak of labels often, simply because they're so easy. It takes a problem or shortcoming we have and places it on another, brilliant! Definitely a habit that can run relationships into the ground.
In a related note I call our dog many things, fortunately he's too smart to take me seriously. If only I could learn something there…
Names that describe character traits is an interesting and very biblical concept. From Abram to Abraham (father of many), Jacob to Israel (struggled with God), Simon to Peter (Rock), to all the various names for God and the name of Jesus (God saves), the list goes on.
Chris F is onto something as well and reminded me of an interview with Will Smith. Tavis Smiley asked Will what makes him so different. Will said he’s “willing to die on the treadmill.” He will not be outworked. If you’re on another treadmill to see if you can outrun him, you will either give up or He will die running on the treadmill.
Hey, I just hopped onto your blog, and I'm really enjoying it – thoughtful and challenging. I'll definately be coming back to read some more. Until then, God bless and happy blogging!
I'm a little disturbed here, because I'm not used to people agreeing with me in Dewde's comments.
LOL – See! God loves you, too
(Please tell me that made you laugh.)
YOU'RE disturbed? I've been wigged out all day because of you. This is some clever trolling technique I just know it…
In general I agree with the comments and the post. But my wife (a teacher) will tell you that some children are praised far beyond their capacity and they don't have the ability to really understand what they can and can't do. They have been told by their parents that they are the best and something and then when they come to school they are not the best and they can't handle it.
The other part that is just as important is that parents sometimes believe that their children are near perfection (in part because those parents keep praising their children). These parents are then unable to hear valid critisims or suggestions for their children.
In general I agree, children need praise. And they need praise for things that they can do something about (working hard, being respectful, etc.) and not for things they can't do things about (looks, athletic ability, etc).
Excellent, excellent point Adam. Thank you for writing that. Much needed perspective to my post.
That's a great point! My brother has cerebral palsy and grew up thinking he could do whatever he wants to do. In the sheltered world of elementary school this wasn't a problem. However, when he got a little older it hit him hard that he couldn't play baseball like everyone else. He can't just go to class and not study. He has certain limitations. Then upon learning this, he thought there was something wrong with him. If he had been taught limitations early on and had come to accept them and embrace them, it would have not been as big of an issue. It's a great point to praise them for things they do have control over. Parents are always quick to praise for creativity, athletics..but those won't carry on. And rewarding them on their work ethic is right on. I was always told I was supper smart, but am first to admit I don't have much of a work eithic. I would like to put more of an emphasis on that in my children. Dewde…this is a fantastic blog topic. I've sent it out to several people. Keep them coming!
This is SO good and I truly believe it. And of course I need to work on this daily.