I Wrote The Constitution

October 21, 2008 20 Comments

Before I had children I read a book by my pastor, Andy Stanley. In one chapter he challenged me to think about the goals I had for myself and my family. So I reflected on them momentarily before continuing about the usual enterprise of life.

Then we had our first daughter.

Fathering children has a way of changing a man. I quickly realized that lofty musings and wishful thinking were no way to lead my family. So I went back and re-read the chapter in that book. I took it to heart when Andy challenged me write out my goals for my family. They say if you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time. I didn’t want to hit this target. So I opened Google Docs and I began drafting, in the words of http://dictionary.com, a system of fundamental principles according to which a nation, state, corporation, or the like, is governed. Substitute “or the like” with “my family.”

I began drafting a Family Constitution.

It became clear, in short order, that one document would not suffice. Maybe it’s the patriot in me, that my parents raised, but our Family Constitution felt remiss without an accompanying Bill of Rights. So I drafted one of those also, for the children.

After I had worked on it for a while I knew I needed external review. Actually, my new Family Constitution required it! I have a group of close friends and family that I consider my personal advisory board. I mean that literally. I have a group in my address book titled “Personal Advisory Board.” When my drafts were complete, I sent my board the following email.

Now that our family is growing, the time felt right to go ahead and write down some of our goals. Please feel free to question any of them. The wording, the importance, etc. Maybe they overlap, or maybe some need to be divided. Chew on it. Take your time. I guess the main thing I would like your advice on, is if I am missing any huge areas, principles, categories, or topics.

These two documents represent values that [Dewdette] and [Dewde] intend to prioritize as we raise our children and live our lives here on this earth. I’m sure it will be a growing and changing document. It will grow while we grow, as God teaches us lessons throughout our lives. I hope it stays very simple and concise as opposed to wordy or redundant.

That was 2 and a half years ago. Now it’s time to dust this puppy off. Reevaluate. Revise. and Refine.

The Family Constitution

Integrity

  • To hold honesty as the foundation of our ethics.
  • To always choose the harder right, as God defines right, over the easier wrong.
  • To be sincere and genuine in our endeavors.

Charity

  • To enrich the lives of others with our time and assets.
  • To always rebuke with hesitancy and gentleness.
  • To keep a sense of humor.

Wisdom

  • To obtain counsel of reputable peers.
  • To listen twice as much as you speak.
  • To fellowship with God through prayer and study.

And also.

The Children’s Bill of Rights

  • To be safe and nourished.
  • To be given love, rooted in patience and tenderness, not contingent on decisions or actions.
  • To be taught by example hand-in-hand with instruction.
  • To be given unconditional respect, not contingent on decisions or actions.
  • To be guided in the skills necessary to navigate life with peace and contentment.
  • To be forgiven of all trespasses.
  • To be disciplined with predictability and consistency.

I post them here for two reasons. First, I seek constructive feedback. Especially if you are of an alternate world view. Christians have a history of being terribly myopic. Actually, I have a history of being terribly myopic. And not just in the 5 years since my conversion, but my 10 Atheist years before that.

Second, I hope to inspire you in the same manner that I was inspired. Please consider, if you haven’t already, articulating your goals in written form, as you lead your family. I can name dozens and dozens of changes Dewdette and I made to our lifestyle as a direct consequence of the conversations we had while I drafted these documents.

This is time well spent.

In Christianity, Marriage, Parenting

Parenting Tip #2: Thanks For Asking

October 19, 2008 2 Comments

At some point between the ages 2 and 4 our kids realize that sometimes they should take matters into their own hands, and sometimes they need to ask us for permission. When one of our kids rightly asks us for permission to do something, my wife and I thank them for asking. It’s a small thing but one which warrants attention I think.

The things that go in the “ask first bucket” are usually there for a reason. Sydney knows she can go potty without asking. She can refill her cup with water without asking. But she cannot go upstairs without asking and she cannot go out into the garage without asking. She is only 3 years old, and these last two have the potential to impact her safety. She has known these rules for a long while now and she is very good at keeping them, but we do not want her to forget they are still important to us. In order to reinforce the rules and help keep her invested in following them, we try to always thank her for her thoughtfulness.

I made a video to illustrate. Sydney was beside herself with joy and cheesiness as she recited her line with me.


Parenting Tip #2: Thanks For Asking from dewde on Vimeo.

When your little one acts in a conscientious manner make sure to tell them so! They hear “No” and “Don’t” and all sorts of negatives day in and day out. Never miss the opportunity to reinforce the positive for a change. They so totally drink that stuff up.

Don’t you?

NEXT: Parenting Tip #3 – Setting Expectations

In Parenting

Rape and Coffee

October 12, 2008 6 Comments

Today I want to talk to my daughters about grace.

I almost don’t like the term grace because its many definitions render it a poor communication tool. In Christian theological circles, grace is considered unearned favor in the proverbial eyes of God. But that’s not the kind of grace I’m concerned with here, although it is similar. Instead I’d like to make a case for human grace, or good will, as a default position to take towards others. And not only that, but even into areas where someone has provoked an attack on you with ineptitude or outright foolishness.

I think the best way for me to make a case for this is to reflect on two events in my past. One in which I was badgered into showing grace against my will, and the other in which I was shown grace I had clearly not earned.

I don’t remember the specific occasion, but one night in my early college years I was out with my close friends having dinner in a really crappy seafood restaurant. Our waitress sucked. I mean SUCKED. It took her forever to take our orders. When she finally took them, we waited an eternity for our drinks. When we finally got our drinks, she didn’t return to the table the rest of the night. After an excruciating wait some other servers came and delivered our food. Naturally, I was hacked off. I wanted to go back into kitchen and get my own refill, a statement I’ve made before with delicious satisfaction, but my friends had me trapped in the booth.

Eventually we finished our dinner and got up to leave. I took great pleasure in keeping my tip but that wasn’t enough to satisfy me completely. I was going to go and fetch our sorry, good for nothing waitress AND her manager and chew them both out. I was notorious for being an ass. Well, my friend Ginger wouldn’t let me. She kept pushing back and saying not to worry about it and everyone has bad nights and blah blah blah. Ginger is one of these frustratingly nice people. Too nice sometimes. For whatever reason I let it go and we all filed out of the restaurant. Ginger was last.

I remember waiting in the parking lot and Ginger took her time coming out to rejoin the group. Finally she did, she had recognized the hostess as a friend and she stopped to mention our lousy service. The hostess told Ginger that our server had been raped earlier in the week and the only reason she was at work was because she was trying to get her mind off of things.

And the Tool of the Year Award goes too…

Fast forward a year. I’m working my first serving gig at Cracker Barrel Old Country Store. I’ve been doing it long enough to feel pretty comfortable carrying around big trays of food and beverage. My customers are seated and looking over the menu. I take drink orders and return with a pot of piping hot coffee. I’m doing it right, you know? I have a circular tray in one hand and the other is firmly griping the pot’s handle. I reach out and pour two cups and as I return the pot to my tray, it lands wrong and begins to wobble. I tighten my grip and clasp the pot and tray together, and thankfully I don’t drop the pot.

But.

However.

As it were.

My violent over-correction causes a huge splash of steaming hot coffee to arch out of the pot and down onto my customer’s newborn baby’s face.

The dining room stands still.

The other patrons, and my coworkers, watch in hushed tones as the young parents interlace soothing the screaming infant with assessing the damage. I don’t remember one word I said, or even if I said any. I just remember standing there feeling this… this… indescribable feeling in my chest. Eventually I get an unimpeded view of the multiple, large red blotches swelling up on the baby’s forehead and cheek.

I’ve heard it said that the dominant thing in a person’s heart is what will come out when they are squeezed. This young father, whose kid I had just burned, never gave me so much as a harsh word. He could have come back and found me any day after that for months and he didn’t. I’m sure some of it had to do with him being more concerned with his child than me and my incompetence, but that only goes so far I think.

Sydney and Savannah,

This world is a messed up place. Some people have been chewed up and spit out. Some are merely careless and irresponsible. My hope for you both is that your gut reaction is to extend good will, in the form of patience and understanding, during the significant and mundane moments of your life.

I’m not asking you to be doormats. In fact, in matters of premeditation, or where you’ve been deceived, I expect the opposite. I want you to be shrewd and uncharitable. In these matters err on the side of justice and firm boundaries.

I used to think the path of least regrets for me was one in which I let justice rule the day. I used to think I was obligated to hold others accountable for their actions no matter what. I no longer believe that. Now I feel more obligated to choose grace over justice, even at times when it might seem unwise. By justice and by grace I have grown as a man. Both are appropriate in different circumstances. But only one can be the default position.

I choose grace.

Love,
Daddy

Have any of you had occasion to give or receive grace? Do you have regrets in either direction?

In General
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