The Dishwasher and the Jerkhole
Posted on 24. Aug, 2008 by dewde in Marriage
My friend Alvin, the conservative vegetarian, says the Internet doesn’t need another blog that deprecates men. I’m going to do my best not to, however when I score an Olympic gold medal in the 100 Metre Jerkhole, I’m going to say so. Otherwise I’ll just end up doing it again.
The scene begins with me loading our yuppy dishes into our yuppy dishwasher in our yuppy suburb of Atlanta. You can see already that I’m a real person, with real problems. I stood there putting in plate after plate, getting more and more hacked off by the minute. My wife had already loaded most of the dishes before me and I was just topping them off and finishing the job.
The problem is that Dewdette and I were raised to load a dishwasher in two distinctly different ways. Obviously I think my way is “right.” So as I was putting those last few dishes into the dishwasher, the correct way (cough), I couldn’t stand it anymore. My inner jerkhole came out to play.
“Why do you insist on loading the dishwasher this way?” I demanded.
She didn’t respond.
“Don’t you know when you do A, B, and C it causes X, Y, and Z?” I continued impatiently.
Still silence.
“And have you even considered points 1 and 2? I mean… Come. On.” I concluded with an exasperated grunt.
I was in a crappy mood. I don’t remember why but I had probably stayed up too late the night before toying around on the Internet or playing video games. I’m extra cranky when I’m tired.
Once I finished spewing my word-vomit, she looked over at me and said something that cut me to the core and completely disarmed me. In a quiet voice she said,
“The way you are talking to me right now makes me feel like this is the most important issue to you in our marriage.”
Just thinking about it now, as I type this, I can almost feel the wave of guilt wash over me again.
Immediately, I knew she was right.
Immediately, I knew I had to apologize.
I mean, I love our marriage! And I am well aware that we have significant issues that we are working out and making progress towards… but for crying out loud the dishwasher thing isn’t even on the radar! What was I thinking?
Sydney and Savannah,
I don’t know who you will marry one day. I don’t know if you’ll marry a selfish jerk like me, or worse. Maybe years of being exposed to my outbursts and temper tantrums will turn you into insensitive jerkettes.
I do know this. If you are in the wrong you should apologize as soon as humanly possible. And if your spouse is in the wrong please, please, please confront them about it in a quiet manner like your mom did with me here. I’m a work in progress. Chances are, your husbands will be too. How you handle yourself with them will either bless them or curse them.
This is just one example, out of countless others, where your mother’s grace towards me has helped me get to a place I should have been all along. I’m so thankful for her.
Love,
Daddy
Eventually, later that day, I did apologize to my wife. Let’s assume that it’s as easy and fun for me to apologize as it is for you. It’s not pleasant, but it is necessary.
So what about you, reader? Has your inner jerkhole come out to play with your unsuspecting spouse lately? Go apologize. Or have you been the victim of a drive-by word-vomiting? Did you handle it with character or did you vomit back?
It only takes one to break a cycle.
Be the one.
Turff
Aug 25th, 2008
Response 1: THE conservative vegetarian? I realize I have become somewhat more moderate of late, but still, “THE”?
Response 2: Handling offense (or perceived offense) with character is an area of great growth potential for me. Why is that when someone says/does something hurtful, the part of me that wants to escalate things to some unhealthy place seems to win out? (rhetorical question) Kudos for your wife for her ability to keep it real in the face of grumpiness. Kudos to you for your ability to admit fault.
dewde
Aug 25th, 2008
Like y’all are such a huge demographic. With respect, he /is/ a seasoned professional. And you eat fish. Although he was late to the gun club…
Thx for kudos man.
Dizzy
Aug 25th, 2008
Yo, you should have put the smackdown on that ho! Your real probz is that you lets your wife tell u what to do – a man shouldn’t never be loadin no dishwasher!
dewde
Aug 25th, 2008
@Dizzy:
LOL nice.
Lisa
Aug 25th, 2008
I Love Dewdette!!
Chris F.
Aug 25th, 2008
I’m entering into Jerkhole mode myself. Wait, I never leave that happy place, so I proceed…
You know, it’s not *just* about loading the dishwasher. It’s also about trying to make smart decisions in all aspects of life, and about admitting when our decisions lead to sub-optimal results, learning from that experience, then subsequently striving for improvement. You may have been in full Jerkhole mode, but what amounts to a summary dismissal of your concerns by her was not without fault. There is in fact an objective way to measure Dishwasher Loading Success: if there’s crap left over on your dishes when you’re done, then that’s a failure. Her conflation of your dishwasher distress with the big-picture of your marriage was a bit of a cop-out, IMO. She didn’t want to be bothered (perhaps largely because of your Jerkhole attitude, but still…) with honestly considering something that causes you day-to-day pain. Instead, she knew that this was a way to get you to calm down instantly, because of your thoughtful and considerate nature. If YOU’re the one who frequently empties the dishwasher, and certain loading schemes in that dishwasher require you to manually sort barely-clean from I-sure-wouldn’t-want-to-eat-off-that dishes, then you have a legitimate reason to bring this concern to light. You were right to apologize profusely, because you were clearly being rude in this example. But, IMHO, this is a two-way street and little things aren’t always little. Just because the dishwasher “isn’t even on the radar” doesn’t mean that her interactions with it can’t improve or diminish your overall happiness. You spend (quick estimate = 15 minutes load + 15 minutes unload = 30 minutes * 7 days per week * 52 weeks per year) 182 hours per year dealing with the dishwasher, so that’s really not such a little thing. *Any* action that can be taken to simplify and minimize that time is a good one. If it’s an honest mistake of ignorance or distraction or whatever, then you should discuss the intricacies of hydrodynamic vortexes inside your appliances and their effects on the overall dish cleanliness (and related Dewde happiness). If you’re still unable to come to an agreement, then this is a greater impact on the big-picture than your minor Jerkhole ranting event. Maybe the *dishwasher* isn’t important in a marriage, but helping each other get through life’s mundane tasks while retaining some of your spirit *is* important.
http://www.dividingbyzero.us/
Aug 25th, 2008
Turff:
I’m sorry man, but the best you’ll ever be is the *Other* Conservative Vegetarian, and that’s only after you give up fish…
Chris F.:
Dewde has a quote that I think applies to your response – “You can be right or you can be wrong at the top of your voice.” (Or something like that.) Maybe Dewde was right, but the way he handled it wasn’t exactly the best.
Chris F.
Aug 25th, 2008
I agree with you dividingbyzero, but I think Dewde was perhaps too one-sidedly gracious in his presentation. The couple times I met Dewdette in person, I really liked her, so I don’t want my ranting to reflect as an opinion on her. Dewde definitely married up! I would have gotten up and slapped Dewde if I were her, so her reaction was probably appropriate given the situation. I just have had that same interaction at the dishwasher many times myself, and it struck a chord! IMO, a better response might have been “Stop it. You’re being a Jerkhole. Now, please show me why you think my way of loading the dishwasher is inferior.” The point that I was trying to make was that Dewdette basically put the hammer down on any productive conversation, and because Dewde felt guilty for being a Jerkhole, the conflict ended with no path to resolution, and the next time Dewde stays up late and then tries to load the dishwasher, a repeat of this situation is not unlikely to happen.
http://www.dividingbyzero.us/
Aug 25th, 2008
Chris F.:
I think we’re talking past one another. This isn’t about the dishwasher, or how dishes are loaded. I think it’s about Dewde losing patience over something that really doesn’t matter. For some reason, Dewde was out-of-sorts, and it just happens to be that he focused on loading dishes to express his out-of-sorted-ness.
So I see two things:
1) Dewde got pissed off at Dewdette over something that doesn’t really matter;
2) Dewde failed to identify his state (emotional and intellectual).
The consequence of this is that he was a Jerkhole in Dewdette’s general direction.
And to your point: “Dewdette basically put the hammer down on any productive conversation”… It’s a freaking dishwasher and dishes! It was Dewde by making a big deal out of nothing who put the hammer down on productive conversation. He should have just loaded the dishwasher (Dewdette’s way), sat down for a while to try to figure out why he was *really* angry, and then once calm handle whatever the true source of the anger was.
Land of Lovings
Aug 25th, 2008
Ahh, Dewdette. My hero. Ask Tal how I would have handled that conversation. Not so graciously. Poor Tal.
I’ll have to remember that approach for future household discussions. Dishwashing related or otherwise.
Chris F.
Aug 25th, 2008
@dividing…
I think I see your point, but I still maintain you’re only seeing part of the picture. Also, I am making the assumption that Dewde’s blog is aimed at least in part at improving personal interactions and not is simply aimed at self-deprecating spouse worship. If that’s a false assumption, then he’s more whacked-out than I ever suspected.
I’m really not in agreement with the “it’s a freaking dishwasher” comment. You say that as if it’s something he can just wish out of existence like some transient quantum unicorn in his bathroom. Of course it’s a dishwasher, and that’s what apparently makes it so tempting to dismiss as silly ol’ Dewde’s sleep deprivation-induced hyperbolic rant. But the dishwasher incident is just a symbol of all the ordinary crap his (everyone’s) life is filled with and which he cannot just wish away. He wants to spend quality time with Dewdette and his kids, but in order to get to that, he has to spend a significant amount of his time running this gauntlet of lame stuff. Here’s what he really said when you strip away the overt rudeness:
“Dewdette, I find myself spending a lot of unnecessary time at this frustrating dishwasher exercise, and it doesn’t have to be this way. It’s frequently left in a state which causes me to have to wash things twice, and that eats into our family time. I wish you could see how much of an issue this really is.”
Again, please for now resist the urge to label me as some overinterpreting goofball. You can get back to that later.
And this is where I think the other dedicated Dewde readers are fearing to tread. I think this was Dewdette’s response, when you politely strip away her playing of The Marriage Card:
“You’re being a jerkhole.”
Now she was certainly entitled to this reaction, since Dewde was indeed being a Jerkhole, but it was no more helpful in addressing the underlying issue of cooperation and time management. But please look up and refer to my initial assumption about improving personal relationships. I think Dewdette — as an active participant in the relationship and with a corresponding duty to help improve it — could have recognized the Deeper Meaning in Dewde’s rant and offered to meet him part-way. The Freaking Dishwasher was just an insignificant prop in this interaction, and it could certainly have been anything else in the world. The Dishwasher was not why he was angry. Why he was *really* upset is because he was stuck doing extra needless crap instead of playing games with his kids.
If the goal is improvement, as I assume, this implied whimpering and retreat to the fifth circle of self-loathing is counterproductive. I’m sure he loves Dewdette, and I’m sure he loves his marriage, but I’m also pretty sure that if the story simply ends here with his apology and realization of his faults, then there is more to be done. I hope that the story continued after the end of the blog post and that the protagonists reached a happier medium.
Krogg
Aug 26th, 2008
I really hope my wife learned a thing or two from reading your blog. /ducks.
dewde
Aug 26th, 2008
LOL this is so rock and roll. The responses growing to be larger than the original post!
I was intentionally vague about the details of the dishwashing techniques because I didn’t think they were relevant. Assume that each technique has advantages and disadvantages. I mean, I’m a software developer and she’s a research scientist. We are both career “pattern matchers.” We find patterns and we replicate them. We each had the same data concerning the effectiveness, efficiency, and time-to-load dishes into the dishwasher with both techniques. We just have different conclusions over which to implement, in my opinion, based on priorities developed during our respective upbringings.
Dewdette made a clear and distinctive observation. One which I agreed with immediately. If I get all bent out of shape over little things, it will pollute the impact of me getting all bent out of shape over big things. I don’t want that.
Chris F said, “I am making the assumption that Dewde’s blog is aimed at least in part at improving personal interactions and not is simply aimed at self-deprecating spouse worship.”
This is exactly correct. And after I apologized for my word-vomit, our personal interactions were improved. That’s why I shared this story. It benefited us.
Chris F said, “The Freaking Dishwasher was just an insignificant prop in this interaction, and it could certainly have been anything else in the world. The Dishwasher was not why he was angry. Why he was *really* upset is because he was stuck doing extra needless crap instead of playing games with his kids.”
Honestly, this is the heart of it. You nailed it right here. And since my intentions were so noble, now that I think about it, she got what she had coming to her! Yeah! I should have spit in her face too while I was at it. And pooped on her Wii Balance Board!
You’re keen on optimum results. Me too! I have discovered, over and over, that I get optimum results in my marriage when I am level-headed and rational. And when I throw temper tantrums and berate my wife, my results suck.
At the end of the day I’d rather have someone’s heart than their fear of me exploding.
Dizzy
Aug 26th, 2008
Foshizzle – all you dogs is crazy for lettin ur poodles drag you around the by da neck and making you all do dishes and crap! Just say “no to da ho”.
“no to da ho!”
“no to da ho!”
Lisa
Aug 26th, 2008
Yes, Krogg I learned something… I learned that indeed men can load the diswasher too!!!!
Chris F.
Aug 26th, 2008
Dewde, I honestly can’t tell if you’re just mocking me. I’m getting slow in my old age.
http://www.dividingbyzero.us/
Aug 26th, 2008
Chris F.:
It’s inconceivable that Dewde would mock anyone. Just keep that in mind the next time he mocks you.
dewde
Aug 26th, 2008
@Chris F:
Ha!
Everything I said was sincere with the exception of this:
“And since my intentions were so noble, now that I think about it, she got what she had coming to her! Yeah! I should have spit in her face too while I was at it. And pooped on her Wii Balance Board!”
That bit was 100% pure, unadulterated, beautiful sarcasm.
dewde
Aug 26th, 2008
@Dividing:
Stop meriting my wrath, I’ll stop mocking you.
Chris F.
Aug 26th, 2008
Ok. Quit commenting on your own $#%@ blog and create another post that I can start trolling!
dewde
Aug 26th, 2008
LOLOL!!!!!
DreadedRafifi
Aug 26th, 2008
Dewde, you could just hire a yuppy maid to load your yuppy dishwasher so you can stop having yuppy fights which lead you to yuppy introspection which you feel forced to blog on your yuppy site (nice banner by the way) giving you more time to do play Wii with your yuppy family. Problem solved.
Chris F.
Aug 26th, 2008
Yuppy maids… Hmmm. Is she French or Swedish? Problem solved, indeed!
Lisa
Aug 26th, 2008
Maids don’t load the dishwasher FYI…
Chris F.
Aug 26th, 2008
You’re not paying yours enough.
Lisa
Aug 26th, 2008
Hey, Krogg… this Chris F. guy says you need to get a raise!!!
dewde
Aug 26th, 2008
Alternatively the person that wears the pants in the family should get a raise. Wouldn’t that be you, Lisa?
Chris F.
Aug 26th, 2008
I’m officially boycotting this site until I see a new post. Please go manufacture some family drama and then write about it! My thoughts of dishwashers and maids have begun to grow unclean, so I think it’s best that I move on…
Jason Elkins
Aug 27th, 2008
Dewde-
I just read this post to my wife. We were laughing and ‘awwww-ing’ at the same places. Great stuff (especially the letter to the kids!).
I appreciate the guts it takes to share this with the world, and I commend you on your ability to see your flaws and apologize. Your wife sounds like a gem!
Last year, my wife and I were talking and I said “Honey, you have been much more submissive lately”, and she said “well, you have been much better leader lately.” Talk about a wake-up call.
Write on!
Jason
TransparentChristianMagazine.Com
dewde
Aug 28th, 2008
Thanks Jason! Yeah she is irreplaceable to be sure.
Oh man, my non-Christian readers are gonna love that last bit LOL.
Chris F.
Aug 28th, 2008
As an official evangelical non-Christian, I must admit that I have no idea what I’m “gonna love” there in Jason’s post. Please elaborate, because I definitely enjoy perpetuating the “us versus them” aspect of my role. I do, however, have vague recollections of saying something similar to “you have been much more submissive lately” although I’m pretty sure it must have been in a somewhat different context than what Jason meant.
I’m breaking my self-imposed silence after two short days, since it’s clear that you’re never going to post again after reaching the pinnacle of blogging success with this dishwasher business.
Beth
Aug 28th, 2008
Is Alvin conservative in his vegetarianism or in other ways? Me, I’m a vegetarian with vegan tendencies. Is that how Alvin is too? Or is he conservative politically or theologically, and he just happens to also be a vegetarian?
And I think this post proves that you are not a jerkhole. You just play one on tv.
dewde
Aug 29th, 2008
@Beth:
He is a gun-totin, politically conservative, vegetarian. Oh, who likes to rescue dogs and cats.
And he has wretched taste in music.
Wendy
Sep 6th, 2008
Here’s how that would have gone down in my abode:
(Craig): Why do you load the dishwasher this way, etc. etc.
(Wendy): You are so right. I will never again defile our home by loading the dishwasher. It is now your kingdom.
(Craig): Crap.
Chris F.
Sep 9th, 2008
Maybe this blog should be retitled as “Women who can’t be bothered to give a crap and the men who love them anyway.”
http://wendyschewonthis.blogspot.com/
Sep 25th, 2008
I am terrible about apologizing. Most days I’d rather put a stick in my eye. Thanks for the reminder, though. I have learned it is best to do as quickly as possible.
Katiebod
Nov 18th, 2008
This is one of the best posts on marriage I have ever read and your @#$% letter to the girls made me tear up a little. Dadgum it, Chris.
dewde
Nov 18th, 2008
Happy to… oblige?