Dewde.com

A few weeks ago we were having discipline problems with Sydney, who is 3 years old. They popped up out of nowhere. Sydney is an extraordinarily well behaved child. She has her moments to be sure, but by and large she is pretty spectacular.

So we were a little surprised when we showed up to daycare and were notified that she had been lifting her dress and showing her privates to her friends. Repeatedly. Even after the teacher told her to stop. When she got home we had a sit-down talk with her about keeping her privates, well, private. We also told her that from now on she was required to wear shorts underneath her dresses. We concluded with a reenforcement that she needs to listen to her teacher or she would have consequences.

The next day she promptly kicked her teacher because she didn’t get her own way. We did the typical routine of making her apologize to the teacher and then standing her in a corner when she got home (one minute per year of age). We told her that if she got a bad report tomorrow we were sending her to bed immediately after dinner. That we were removing all her stuffed animals and toys from her room and she would have to earn them back with good behavior, one toy per day, after that.

The next day she did an excellent job of not kicking her teacher! This was probably due to the fact that she was so distracted from biting her friend Amon because he had something she wanted.

*sigh*

When we got home we calmly explained to her what she did wrong. Then we put her in her bedroom on her bed and she watched us remove all her toys in complete silence. She stayed in there alone, with the door shut, until dinner time. She ate with us and then went back to bed for the night. This sucked! We hated doing this!

The next morning we got ready for daycare. I asked her if she was going to be good and she said, “Yes, Daddy.” I wanted her to have a goal, you know? Something to look forward to. So we looked over her toys and she picked out which one she wanted to earn back first. It was very exciting and she picked out a sticker book that she loves to sleep with. I told her, “Listen to your teacher and obey her and tonight you can stay up and sleep with your sticker book.”

I walked into daycare after work that day with an anxious heart. Another kids Mom was in the room talking to the teacher when I approached Sydney, who was smiling from ear to ear.

“Did you bite any of your friends today?” I asked.

“Nope!” she beamed.

“Did you kick your teacher?” I asked, looking hopeful.

“Nope!” she bubbled.

I’m pretty sure I had the attention of the Mom in the room as I went in for the final question.

“Did you show any kids your privates?”

“No Daddy, I was good!” she cheered.

“Great! Job! Sydney!! High five!” I rejoiced.

She went on to earn back 3 more toys and by the fourth we went ahead and moved all her toys back into her room. She has had good reports since then.

I think delivering on a promise to discipline is crucial to building trust with our girls. We didn’t blindside her with unexpected consequences, we set expectations and then we delivered. I also think it is important to remind them that toys and fun time are privileges, not rights, that need to be earned and maintained. We do these things out of love, because they are not easy. If you are a parent then you know what I am talking about. It is not easy to disappoint your kids and watch them bear the consequences of their actions.

But I want Sydney and Savannah to bear those consequences in our controlled environment. Because I know if we don’t, they will go out into the world and they won’t give their own actions the respect they warrant. If Dewdette and I fail, and give in, our daughters will be left to learn about consequences on the world’s terms. And the world will be far less predictable, far less compassionate, and far less just.

Worldly consequences, inevitably, leave scars.

Dear Sydney and Savannah:

You probably already know this, but your mother is a rock star.

Sydney, every morning when you wake up and walk bleary eyed and half conscious into our bathroom, where we are getting ready for work, your mother drops whatever she is doing and goes abso-frickin-lutely bananas. “SYDNEY’S AWAKE!” she screams and tramples towards you precariously. You brace yourself and squeal, knowing what your future holds. Your Mom snatches you up and hugs you tight and dances around with you all while chanting “Sydney’s awake! Sydney’s awake! Sydney’s awake! YAY!”

Then we hear you, Savannah, cooing in your crib. And Mommy and Sydney go running into your room, flip on the light, and blurt out “THE BABY’S AWAKE!” Mommy grabs you out of your crib and gallops and trots around the room, down the hall and back into the bathroom where I am shaving or something. All the while she is dancing and singing “The baby’s awake! The baby’s awake! The baby’s awake! YAY!” and Sydney, now lucid, is following behind her giggling and tugging at your feet.

When I say every day, what I mean is:

Every.

Day.

In case you have any reservations about this let me be clear. This is not normal. I don’t know anyone else that behaves this way. So let me try and explain to you why she would do this. Firstly, this really is a natural expression of what is in her heart. You can’t fake this behavior. Not for as long and consistently as she has done it. So it’s in there and it can’t wait to get out. That is the main reason.

Secondly, your Mom and I bought into this principle we heard on a TV show. Basically, it was articulated that when your child enters the room after being away from you for a while, you should let them know how happy you are to see them again! And don’t under do it, over do it! Don’t assume they know how much you love them or missed them or how happy you are to see them, take the opportunity right then and there to throw a mini-party in their honor.

Your mother is brilliant at this. I get it right sometimes, but not like her. Not by a long shot. She looks like a total dork and she just doesn’t care. Your smiles and giggles make it all worth while. I’m just the lucky guy that gets to watch in admiration.